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At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual. -Partick Moore
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. -P. J. O’Rourke
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me. -Elayne Boosler
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up, because by that time I was too famous. -Robert Benchley
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. -Buddy Hackett
If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job. -Woody Allen
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. -Brooke Shields
There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together. -Josh Billings
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. -Groucho Marx
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. -David Letterman
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