Funny Quotes

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. -P. J. O’Rourke

I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. -Samuel Goldwyn

One man’s folly is another man’s wife. -Helen Rowland

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. -Joe E. Lewis

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. -Laurence J. Peter

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? -Margaret Smith

If it weren’t for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -Marion Barry, Mayor

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. -Paul Lynde

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies. -Proverb

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. -Frank Sinatra

That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. -Joe Rogan

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. -Emo Philips

As yet, Bernard Shaw hasn’t become prominent enough to have any enemies, but none of his friends like him. -Oscar Wilde

There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it. -Dennis Miller