Funny Quotes

There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it. -Dennis Miller

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. -P. J. O’Rourke

You’ve got to be honest; if you can fake that, you’ve got it made. -George Burns

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. -Woody Allen

Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. -Will Rogers

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. -Jay Leno

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. -Mark Twain

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. -Fred Allen

I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name. -Paula Poundstone

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. -Winston Churchill

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. -George Burns

I have never been hurt by what I have not said. -Calvin Coolidge

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. -Mitch Hedberg

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower. -Groucho Marx

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. -Erma Bombeck