Funny Quotes

You’ve got to be honest; if you can fake that, you’ve got it made. -George Burns

You’re only as good as your last haircut. -Fran Lebowitz

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’. -Homer Simpson

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is. -Ellen DeGeners

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself – like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks. -Jean Kerr

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. -Benjamin Franklin

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. -Albert Einstein

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. -George Burns

When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. -David Brenner

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left. -Oscar Levant

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? -W. Clement Stone

We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect. -Alanis Morissette

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. -George Carlin

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. -David Letterman

Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell. -Robert Byrne