Funny Quotes

I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair. -Hillary Clinton

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. -Joe E. Lewis

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. -Joan Rivers

You’ve got to be honest; if you can fake that, you’ve got it made. -George Burns

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together. -Oprah Winfrey

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. -Bertrand Russell

That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. -Joe Rogan

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. -Ellen DeGeneres

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. -Emo Philips

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. -Lewis Mumford

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. -Stephen King

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. -Elayne Boosler

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day. -Jay Leno

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. -George Burns