View our collection of Funny Quotes and sayings.
As yet, Bernard Shaw hasn’t become prominent enough to have any enemies, but none of his friends like him. -Oscar Wilde
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. -Albert Einstein
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. -Norman Wisdom
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights. -Jay London
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. -Groucho Marx
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me. -Elayne Boosler
I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. -Woody Allen
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. -Rod Schmidt
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. -H. L. Mencken
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” -Claude Pepper
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. -Jerry Seinfeld
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. -Paul Fix
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