Funny Quotes

As yet, Bernard Shaw hasn’t become prominent enough to have any enemies, but none of his friends like him. -Oscar Wilde

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. -Albert Einstein

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. -Norman Wisdom

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights. -Jay London

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. -Groucho Marx

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. -Cathy Guisewite

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me. -Elayne Boosler

I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. -Woody Allen

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. -Rod Schmidt

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. -Oscar Levant

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. -H. L. Mencken

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” -Claude Pepper

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. -Jerry Seinfeld

All men are equal before fish. -Herbert Hoover

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. -Paul Fix