Phyllis Diller Quotes

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. -Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. -Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. -Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. -Phyllis Diller

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you. -Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off. -Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ -Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. -Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. -Phyllis Diller

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? -Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children. -Phyllis Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me. -Phyllis Diller